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Son of a gun

We have sons who like guns.

They defend their particular reading of the Second Amendment

With the gifted sophistry of a Jesuit on steroids.

They are really smart and could argue you into believing you were Chinese

Even if you weren’t

I like guns too, but mainly like to see people hunt.

Oh yes, and to shoot skeet. Skeet are meant to be shot.

I’ve shot them myself without regret!

Clay pigeons deserve to die.

I last shot a gun in anger during the early Nixon administration

But, friend, that weasel deserved to die.

I mean the one bothering the chickens, not Nixon.

I had a great big bow and shot arrows at deer, only to learn

That I and my whole family would have starved

If we were Native Americans in the old days.

But I never shot one with a gun.

Neither a deer nor a Native American.

I went deer hunting with my uncle and we really didn’t need guns,

Just decks of cards, sandwiches, and coffee.

I enjoy venison enormously, but have never shot a deer

Not once has a deer stolen my TV or harmed my family.

Deer did make a mess out of my lettuce once.

But hey, that isn’t a capital offense.

I was mugged once by a person who had a gun.

I probably would have done something for him with a better attitude

Had he asked me without the gun.

So, call me a Liberal Eastern Establishment commie pinko snowflake,

(And I live in Texas and love venison tacos!)

But keep the guns for deer, javelinas, antelopes, tasty birds, and weasels, okay?

And if you are vegan, shoot any vegetable you like!

Pumpkins and watermelons make a spectacular show!

Keep bringing me venison to cook up with Madeira sauce!

Or some really nice quail to cook on a skewer.

Don’t take the guns from our sons.

But feel free to run a background check on any of us

And please keep them from those who would harm others.

Both guns and my sons.

Gun control will be debated.

I like some people very much who have differing opinions on this matter.

Some of whom I even love

(and they beat me at chess, the clever little buggers)

What kind and what extent gun control is a debatable matter,

As is the matter of gun control at all—well, I suppose.

Self-control isn’t debatable.

Guns don’t kill people

People kill people.

Actually, some people with guns kill people.

While others never do.

Apply your thoughts and prayers.

To ending school shootings.

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